by Lester Lingamfelter
London, June 5, 1944
The United Nations was stunned today with the collapse of Operation Overlord, when it was revealed that General Eisenhower had submitted his resignation, effective immediately, because of possible conduct "unbecoming an Officer and Gentleman". He stated further that "he deeply regretted that his conduct has reflected poorly on himself and the trust of his Commander-In-Chief."
Operative responsibility has been transferred to his next in command, General Karl Malden, who has put Overlord on temporary suspension, until the ramifications of the shakeup, and especially it's effect on the other United Nations' allies could be assessed. It is still unclear whether the Polish forces, as well as contingents from Belgium, Czechoslovakia, Greece and the Netherlands would proceed as planned.
Although details are only slowly emerging, there is some speculation that General Eisenhower and his aide-de-camp, Capt. Natalie Wood, had been "playing pattycake" after some of their late-night whist sessions, but no one in the chain of command would comment on the record, except Gen. Anthony McAuliffe, who only said "Nuts!" when asked for his response, giving no more clarification.
President Rockefeller is believed to be at his Hot Springs, Ga. retreat where he is reportedly undergoing vigorous swimming and diving therapy for his asthma, which has flared up during Washington's unusually dry spring and summer. His assistant, Dr. Jane Russell, who has been directing his regimen at Hot Springs, has informed the President, and his response is expected this evening.
If General Eisenhower's resignation is accepted, it will mark only the second such high ranking officer to be so terminated, since General Ulysses S. Grant was let go in under similar circumstances after reporting for duty while inebriated in 1862, which was thought by many historians to account for the sudden collapse of the United States war effort and ultimately the loss of the Confederate States.
11/16/12 - via Abu Aardvark, L'Onion-
"Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal - As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus' affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. 'Oh my God, this is terrible,' Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. 'According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it's been happening for, like, 11 years.' Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash's alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy."