Call to End Historic Snake-Handler Schism

As a lay man, I have no influence on the chosen or elected ecclessial leadership (an essay in it's own right), but I would pray that the twin bugaboos of anti-anti-venomism and anterior/posterior approach, going back almost 45 years to the Foundation itself, would finally be put back in their dank lairs. Whether or not Bishop Jesco White continues to frighten the women and children with "milked" snakes is not really the issue; nowhere does scripture mention venom. "Serpent's sting" is not Copperhead or Coral Snake or Rattler. I'm not pleading for Rationalism, far from it. If God's creation is used by him to reward you for your faith and bring you to him sooner rather than later, we will all rejoice.

I have been bringing surgical hose and razors to Church for years, on the off-chance that one of God's blessed creatures be sent to test my Faith. I know this gives the appearance of a doubt and weakness, but won't somebody please think of the children! I don't fear the timing of my own Heavenly Reward, I merely pray that the Holy Sacraments be restricted to the actual Body and Blood (traditionally understood to be Moonshine and Meth and NOT smoked) and NOT the Devil's O[xycodin]. A return to the traditional pre-Tulsa liturgy is absolutely required if we are to continue to attract young people with families, an increasing number of whom, while not completely literate and doomed to doubt, get an increasingly open view of life through the television. Electric guitars and 20-inch rims can make Snakes seem boring, but many youngsters still hunger for the Apocalypse, some even helping with our Holy Land Initiative, and these people are the future.

Praise the Lord, and let his Messengers go Forth!

Mr. Peabody Helps Jesus Save Capitalism

"Put down that beaker of Ephadadrine, Sherman, and follow me to the WABAC Machine. Jesus needs our help!"

"But, Mr. Peabody, I think I've found a way to pay our electric bill.  And then some!"

"Never mind, my boy. Thanks to the miracle of time travel, we'll be back literally before you know it."

"Very well, Mr. Peabody. What settings shall I use?"

"Naples, Italy; Jan.25, 1962."

"But Jesus wasn't in Naples in 1962."

"Don't be so sure, Sherman, but in any case we're going to visit one Charles Luciano.  He's ill and may be more inclined to the truth than previously.  I need some information about the olive oil business and Prescott Bush."

" 'Lucky' Luciano, the heroin king? Olive oil? Prescott Bush? Mr. Peabody, I believe I've found the answer to that missing case of Bronkaid!"

"Never mind that now, Sherman, just set the dials and initialize.  Besides you know how my asthma has been acting up lately."

"Well, here we are, Mr.Peabody.  How will we find Mr. Luciano?"

"Quite simple, my boy; although many of these houses have several burley watchmen at the gate, very few also have American Cadillacs with CIA agents waiting out front. Ah, here we are! Signor Luciano?"

"Si?"

"I'm Mr. Peabody, and this is my boy, Sherman. I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind."

"Ha, you and everyone else! Hey, I've seen you on TV! You're a funny guy. 'Chicken-catch-a- Tory'! Haha! C'mon in!"

"What did you find out, Mr.Peabody?"

"Never mind, for now, Sherman, we need to move on. Set the WABAC for Florence, Italy, June 20, 1527.  We're going to see the great Niccolo Machiavelli."

"Gee, do we have to go right now? The girls here are so friendly!"

"Sorry,  Sherman, but even though we've got all the time in the world, paradoxically we're in a bit of a hurry right now.  Those bills aren't going to pay themselves, and you can always come back 'later'."

"Okay, Mr. Peabody. Hang on! Not the leg! Bad boy!"

"Sorry, Sherman. As you know I sometimes forget my manners when the quarry is afoot."

"Here we are. Florence.  How will we find Signor Machiavelli?"

"As you can imagine, this place is crawling with paranoids, but "Lucky" showed me the secret hand signal. You'll have to give it, though. What with my paws and all.  Here's a picture."

"Gosh, that's the same as the Dogtown Crips! See, LA roxx! It's funny that they all use the same sign. What a coincidence!"

"A coincidence, to be sure. There's a likely-looking ghoul. Try it out."

"Is that the right counter-sign, Mr. Peabody? Like he's stroking his beard. Which he doesn't have."

"No, but we'll probably see it a lot.  Try that guy."

"Yo! Yo. Whazzup?"

"Nicollo Machiavelli?"

"Who want's to know?"

"I'm Mr. Peabody and this is my boy, Sherman. I need to ask you some questions about "olive oil".

"Walk with me. Leave the kid."

"What did you find out, Mr. Peabody?"

"Patience, my boy.  For now, set the WABAC to Tel-Aviv, June 9, 25."

"But there was no Tel-Aviv, or for that matter, June in 25, Mr. Peabody."

"Sherman..."

"Shutting up, now.  Here we go!"

"Wow, look at those dinks! Looks like San Francisco in '67."

"How do you know? Our series ended in '64."

"I meant 1667, but I did look around when we were in  syndication.  Ever heard of the Cockettes? the Fugs? What a stink! Man, when did they invent deodorant?"

"Just start flashing the sign, my boy. There's a likely-looking pair."

"I see you are a sailor. Step into my tent and all will be revealed."

"Pardon me, sir, it's far from my mind. I'm just looking for a good friend of mine. Calls himself Jesus, among other things.  He's mc'ing a wedding party. Five wise virgins...five foolish. Ring a bell?"

"Yes, I know him! Follow me. And all will be revealed"

"Wait here, Sherman, and keep those kids out of the WABAC."

"How did it go, Mr.Peabody? Did you see Jesus?"

"Just for a second, he said he was headed out to the desert to be tempted.  He winked at me. He didn't seem to be surprised to see a talking dog; evidently there's a lot of that around here.  I saw the other rabbis, though; straightened them out.  If they listen to me, no more oil problem, no cruxifiction, no fall of Jerusalem, no diaspora, no crusades, no dark ages, etc."

"But all those things happened, Mr. Peabody!"

"We can but try, my boy."

"What did you tell them, Mr. Peabody? About the oil?"

"Well, as you may know, the five wise virgins had enough lamp oil to last for the entire feast, but the five foolish virgins were short by varying amounts.  'Lucky' told me the thing about olive oil is that it can be all different quality as well as quantity and needs to be mixed right to burn right.  Of course, he was talking about "olive oil", but the same principle applies; to make everybody a winner you got to give a little to get a little, and you always want to have another wise virgin around.  I got that from Niccollo.  Smart cookie, knows human nature. Even Rabbi Paulson got it, I think."

"But, I don't get it, Mr. Peabody.  How does another Virgin solve anything?"

"Sherman, do you mean you've never heard of Extra Virgin Olive Oil?"